"There remaineth, therefore, a rest to the people
of God" (Heb. 4:9).
 The rest includes victory, "And the Lord gave
them rest round about; . . . the Lord delivered
all their enemies into their hand" (Joshua
21:44).
 
"He will beautify the meek with victory" (Ps.
149:4). (Rotherham, margin)
 
An eminent Christian worker tells of his mother
who was a very anxious and troubled Christian. He
would talk with her by the hour trying to
convince her of the sinfulness of fretting, but
to no avail. She was like the old lady who once
said she had suffered so much, especially from
the troubles that never came.
 
But one morning the mother came down to breakfast
wreathed in smiles. He asked her what had
happened, and she told him that in the night she
had a dream.
 
She was walking along a highway with a great
crowd of people who seemed so tired and burdened.
They were nearly all carrying little black
bundles, and she noticed that there were numerous
repulsive looking beings which she thought were
demons dropping these black bundles for the
people to pick up and carry.
 
Like the rest, she too had her needless load, and
was weighed down with the devil's bundles.
Looking up, after a while, she saw a Man with a
bright and loving face, passing hither and
thither through the crowd, and comforting the
people.
 
At last He came near her, and she saw that it was
her Saviour. She looked up and told Him how tired
she was, and He smiled sadly and said:
 
"My dear child, I did not give you these loads;
you have no need of them. They are the devil's
burdens and they are wearing out your life. Just
drop them; refuse to touch them with one of your
fingers and you will find the path easy and you
will be as if borne on eagle's wings."
 
He touched her hand, and lo, peace and joy
thrilled her frame and, flinging down her burden,
she was about to throw herself at His feet in
joyful thanksgiving, when suddenly she awoke and
found that all her cares were gone. From that day
to the close of her life she was the most
cheerful and happy member of the household.
 
And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents like the Arabs, 
And as silently steal away.
--Longfellow
 

Thanks to Kenaniah for providing the first eight songs for this week.  Hope you enjoy this week’s music.  Allan

Song List

1.  In Better Hands Now-  Natalie Grant

2.  All About Grace-  Allen Asbury

3.  Lifted Up By Angels-  Ashton, Becker, Dente, Guy Arneson

4.  I Don’t Want To Go-  Avalon

5.  Grace-  Wayne Watson

6.  On My Knees-  Jaci Velasquez

7.  Revive Us Again-  Ashley Cleveland

8.  Listen To Our Hearts-  Geoff Moore

9.  I Believe In Jesus-  Vineyard

10.  All Hail The Power Of Jesus’ Name-  No Idea!

11.  From The Inside Out-  Hillsong

12.  God Of Wonders-  Chris Tomlin

Be sure to visit Chato’s  site here.

Alive and well.  ETA is January 28th 2010.

Past Prayer Requests

Allan-  Our nephew’s wife has M.S. and it is progressing incredibly fast. She had what they are calling a seizure yesterday. Twice her jaw has dislocated but yesterday it popped back into place.  They have found another new lesion on her brain.  Please keep Tiffany, her husband Jeremy, and their two children in prayer.

Dorci- I have two different headaches, one of them every day, (for a little over 3 years) the other at least a few times a week. (for about 8 monhts) It’s very draining physically and emotionally. Sometimes I don’t even go to church on Wednesday nights because nights are when the headaches are the worst.

Dorci-  I don’t want to have happen to others what has happened to me. I don’t know if anything will come of this, but I’m going to start praying and asking the Lord if there’s anything He would have me do to reach out to them. I’ve had a break from serving for a year and have recently started praying about what, if anything, the Lord would have me do next.

Shawn Sells-  Keep Shawn in prayer for wisdom as he seeks to continue his ministry to those with mental illness in his church.

Anne-  Hello Allan – I was very touched by your story as well as Shaun’s reporting of stepping out in faith to find a way to support those struggling.
I am currently in the darkest depths of depression I have yet experienced – can’t imagine things getting any darker. Bringing myself to even type an effort. But you were so kind to think of me that I did not want to leave you hanging without thanking you. May God grant me freedom from my depression and anxiety as He has so mercifully done to you – so much so that you can be a support and comfort to your mom and son.
I am feeling more and more like an inconvenience to everyone.
Pray for me.

Okie Preacher-  Please keep Okie Preacher in your prayers. He has been diagnosed with mononucleosis.

Tomorrow, he will be seeing a heart Dr. He has been experiencing shortness of breath, dizziness, and nausea.

Allan-  Three days ago Stephen and his girlfriend let us know there is a baby on the way. I was in shock initially and didn’t respond as I would have hoped. We are in a much better place and are supporting them as they move forward. Please pray that this child is born into the best environment possible.

I’m going to be a Grandfather!

Okie Preacher- My wife and I have been going through some very difficult times since we left our last church pastorate. I would rather not go into detail at this time, although I may in the future.

There are many things that are currently distracting and many hurts from the past that need healing. I have been advised by a good friend to perhaps consider taking a sabbatical for a period of prayer and reflection, which I am inclined to do so at this time.

Please pray for us as we wait on God for healing, guidance, and direction.

Dorci- I would love it if people could pray that our son Eric would fall in love with Jesus and would follow Him with all his heart. Thank you.

miniErunner- Please pray for my best friend’s father. He was just diagnosed with throat cancer and will be starting intense chemo within the next few weeks. Please also pray for his wife and 2 daughters. Pray that they will stay strong through all of this. Update – Surgery was done and his voice box was removed.  He will now undergo further treatment.

Set Free-  Please keep us in prayer we are in need of a place to worship. Things have taken place where we share a building and I believe they are looking for ways so that we can move from there. I know it has to be God who opens the doors to where he wants us to be. I also know that the enemy does not like the progress we have made in spreading the Gospel. Thanks again!

Cash-  Hello, friends. May I ask you to pray for me and my family. I just lost my job on Tuesday. It was a good job with really good benefits, so we’re job searching now.

Dorci-  I have some weird issues with my lower legs, swelling, pain, etc. They’ve done ultrasounds but haven’t found anything.

Dusty- Continued prayer for deep depression.

Rachel-  Continued prayer as she struggles with bi-polar disorder.

Past Praise Reports

Anne-  Praise report:
#1 I’ve been offered a job
#2 My dr’s and counselor had suggested starting part-time if possible.
#3 The position is designed to start as part time and grow gradually

I am so grateful for the encouragement and prayers from all of you!

Holding all the above prayer requests close to heart, that they too will be answered in ways better than anyone could have ever imagined or expected.

Blessings to you all
Anne

Allan-  The biopsy I had came back negative.

Susan-  Allan – I wanted to take this time to express my appreciation to you and your prayer partners in keeping my husband in prayer. This Tuesday is another exciting day for us they will remove the catheter from his chest where he was hooked up for the dialysis treatment. I learned that only 6% make it off of dialysis so with that in mind I know that it was a miracle of God and the prayers of Gods people that he made it to where he is at now. I only share this so that others can have hope that God is on the throne and we don’t always understand his ways which are not our ways. I believe our work is not done here in our ministry and only God knows why he brought healing to my husband. All I know is that I’m so grateful for the opportunity to continue on for the work of God’s Kingdom & to serve God’s people. I’m also happy to hear the news of your Son Steven & your Mother. We will continue to keep everyone in our prayers. Thanks Allan to you and my beautiful Sister.

Love Always,
Susan (Your Favorite Sister In Law) 

Allan- My mother’s surgery was successful.  She was without pain and walking the following day.

Long Term Prayer Requests

Natalie Tan-   She is battling an eating disorder and has a tough battle ahead of her. There is a new article posted that is about her. She puts a face to eating disorders and is a young woman that will need prayer.

Nene - Prayer for her father to be saved and to come to a place of peace. Father and brother have been estranged 27 years.

Dorci-  I just have a praise report that in almost 3 years of suffering with daily headaches I am finding some relief. I still have them every day, but I have times during the day when I don’t have one at all, and at night they are usually not as bad as they have been.

anne-  Keep anne in prayer as she has moved and struggles with dark bouts of depression and deals with anxiety. There is much trouble with extended family and anne will need a job.

Allan- The wife of our nephew has MS .

Allan-  We have a niece who is coming out of ten years suffering with Anorexia. She is now battling depression and would covet our prayers. She is a beautiful young Christian mother with a fantastic husband and two adorable young boys.

Within the last week the webmaster from a website in the U.K./Great Britain/England left a comment here stating they were featuring my blog.  Of course I was quick to point out their wisdom! 

As I visited their site and started reading it really struck me how closely their site mirrors what I’m seeking to do here in the United States.  They even have discussion forums that are moderated quite efficiently.  One day maybe I can do that here??

There are times when maybe half of the visits to More Than Coping are from different countries and some of those are from across the pond!  So I am have linked to this website and with their permission am reproducing one of their articles here.  It’s awesome to see God has placed “kindred spirits” in another nation and I’m thrilled to introduce you to them.

The name of their site is christian mental health uk and the address is

http://www.christianmentalhealth.org.uk/ Take time to visit an awesome site, especially if you’re in the U.K.!   Maybe you have friends and family there.  They will be blessed if they are struggling. You won’t be disappointed.  Allan

Wrong Things  Said In Church In Response To Christian Mental Illness

“There must be something wrong with your spiritual life.”
Yes, depression CAN be a result of sin. BUT depression is NOT always a result of sin! If it is, God will tell you loud and clear what the problem is.

This saying piles on the guilt for the depressed Christian. It’s unlikely that their depression has a spiritual cause, and this implies that they are not good enough spiritually.

“Repent and ask forgiveness for your sin!”

Depression is a result of sin, in that if there was no sin in the world depression wouldn’t exist. But then, neither would diabetes, or cancer, or any other illness… Sin caused the word to be not-perfect, therefore illness exists.

It is not a sin to be depressed, any more than it is to have any other illness.

Depression can be used by God to encourage repentance, but in that case, it will be crystal clear exactly what sin you should repent of. If you don’t know, or have just a vague sense of guilt, your depression is not the result of a sin. Accusing someone of having depression because you think they committed some random sin is arrogant.

It wouldn’t be the act of a loving God to refuse to tell you what you need to repent of.

“Real Christians don’t get depressed.”

The implication behind this is that someone with clinical depression is not a “Real Christian®”. That hurts, especially if it comes from someone who holds authority.

It is hard to be depressed and Christian, very hard. I’d say it takes more faith to hold on to the fact that God exists when your situation is screaming out that even if there was a God, he hates you, than it does when all is going your way.

“You need to have more faith.” / “Have faith in God.”

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance [or realisation] of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

How much faith does it take to hold onto the basic tenets of the Christian faith when emotions scream at you daily to give up, get out and avoid God? Very often a depressed Christian will be hanging onto faith by their fingernails in a situation that requires more faith than the average.

“Taking antidepressants is playing God, He can heal you.”

Yes, God can heal. Sometimes he doesn’t just flick a switch make the illness vanish, sometimes the healing comes through the conventional ways of doctors, psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists and medication. By persuading someone not to take their medication in preference for a fast, supernatural healing that God may not have in store for them, the sufferer is being denied something that will help them, right now.

In John 5:1-15 Jesus only healed one man out of the many who were gathered. Not everyone will receive supernatural healing. We don’t always understand why God does as he does, only that he is God and will do what is right.

“Scripture says everything that happens is for your own good!”

The actual verse says:

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This verse in no way implies that the sufferer should sit back and accept the illness for the rest of their life. It also does not say that illnesses are not to be fought with the intention of a cure. While God may well have things to do with a depressed person, the illness is not a good thing of itself, and it may take years before you see positive results from it.

“You’ve been prayed for, why has nothing changed?”

This can be expressed in several ways and spoken by one of two different groups of people: either the person who asked for prayer, or those who prayed for them.

We’ll break the underlying situation into two areas: something definite was experienced in the prayer time: chains were obviously broken and a new freedom gained, or, nothing apparently happened at all. That is, “I know God set you free, [as testified to by experience, or, simply accepted by faith] why are you not walking in that freedom?”

When God steps in and answers believer’s prayer for a person to be freed from the influence of unclean an spiritual influence there may well be a noticeable sense of having been freed. Why is it then that we don’t all immediately change?

The bible speaks of our lives as being like clay; we are moulded through everything we go through. There are 3 sources of spiritual influence on our lives: God’s holy spirit, our own human spirit and unclean / demonic spirits. Take, for instance, temptation – it might not always be the devil himself tempting us, it may be our own human spirit / human nature. Lots of things work to shape this clay, the onus is on us to give ourselves progressively more and more to God and open our lives to His moulding process.

Let’s expand on the clay metaphor some more. Clay is not a very elastic substance. If you press a thumb into it and pull it away you’ll get a thumb print. A balloon, on the other hand, would spring back immediately when the outside influence is removed (the thumb). God’s word talks of us as being like clay, not balloons. Clay is solid, has substance, is useful for creating utensils that can be used in his service. Balloons are insubstantial, have nothing solid inside and are full of hot air.

So, take away the outside “thumb” pressing on our life and we are still left with a thumbprint: habits that have formed, certain ways of thinking or reacting to things, etc. God can (and does) change things like these instantly in some people, however, there are times when such a fundamental change would shatter who the person is and a longer, more sustained healing process is needed. That is, we are freed from the oppressive spiritual influence but over the course of weeks, months and years following the prayer time we see a gradual change as the unsightly “thumbprint” is smoothed out.

God wants us whole and healthy, it also says in Scripture that “the prayer of a righteous believer avails much” but it also says that one the fruit of God’s Spirit dwelling within us is patience and endurance. Prayer gets the job done … it’s just that the process started by the prayer may be an ongoing one.

“Depression is a self discipline problem.”

Self discipline is important to a Christian. We have to be disciplined enough not to break the laws of the land, and to obey our God. But no amount of self discipline will get rid of a medical problem. This statement implies that the sufferer is lazy and could become better by sheer force of will. This is not possible, and causes a lot of guilt.

“You should be praying about this.”

Implicitly, whoever says this is also saying “This wouldn’t have happened if you’d been praying enough.” That’s a big assumption to make about someone.

To a person with depression, it can seem like God left town a long time ago without leaving a forwarding address. It can seem as if your prayers bounce straight back off the ceiling, and that prayer is as fulfilling and satisfying as yelling at a block of wood.

When you’re depressed, you may not “feel” God as you had before. Often you don’t feel anything but numb and hollow. For me, and for many people, depression had a shrivelling effect on my faith. I found it hard to hang onto anything but the most basic elements of Christianity, and sometimes lost my grip on those. When I did manage to pray, it was a yell of pain and confusion. This is why we are supposed to base our faith on facts (God loves you, he loved you when you were a sinner too, Jesus paid the full price for all our sins, etc.) rather than feelings, which are fickle at the best of times. It can be incredible hard to hold onto those facts in depression, like trying to run into a very strong wind.

John Lockley says:

In Christians, spiritual effects follow from the depression, and seldom the other way round. I repeat – in Christians, nearly always the depression comes first, followed by a sense of remoteness from God, rather than depression being the result of “falling away.”

“A Practical Workbook for the Depressed Christian,”

One of the most eloquent and heartfelt prayers a depressed Christian can pray is “Help me God, I’m hurting!” This is a better prayer than the thirty minute waffle that doesn’t actually say anything. It’s honest, open and sincere.

God is listening, even if everything within you is screaming that he isn’t. Prayer during depression can take an awful lot of effort. One comeback to this saying is “I am praying, as best I can. Will you pray for me too?”

“You just need to rebuke that spirit of depression and tell it to leave you. Don’t let Satan steal your joy.”

There are two problems with this statement. One problem is the assumption that depression is caused by demonic oppression. The other problem is the assumption is that joy and happiness are the same thing.

Blaming a “spirit of depression” can be a wonderful cop-out. Just cast out the spirit and you’re cured! No need for long term support, for prayer, for counselling, for anything at all! And with this statement comes the implicit assumption that once again it’s your fault you’re depressed, this time because you’re not “spiritual” enough to get rid of the troublesome spirit yourself.

Yes it is possible that demonic oppression can cause depression. No, demons are not responsible for every case of depression. Imagine what would happen if this statement was directed at someone with cancer, or haemophilia, or osteoporosis (”Just cast out that demon attacking your bones and be strong again! God wants to see you running marathons!”).

The second problem with this statement is that joy is equated with happiness. People with depression are not going to be the happiest souls in the church. I’ve heard it said that happiness depends on what happens, whereas joy can exist in very unhappy situations.

“There’s no such thing as mental illness, it’s all in your mind”

Saying this denies that there is anything actually wrong with the depressed person, and implies that they are just making it up. This piles on the guilt again! A mental illness can be defined as one that affects the mind; the brain is allowed to get ill, just as the liver and lungs are.

“You’ve got nothing to be sad about”

Depression isn’t about being sad, often the real situation may well have no effect on the disease at all. This statement misunderstands the disease, depression can have an origin that has nothing to do with the surroundings of the sufferer. Depression may make you feel as if your emotions have been switched off, leaving you less sad than numb and empty.

“It’s your own fault you’re depressed”

This is the kind of thing that Job’s “comforters” said, and it didn’t help then either. Bad things can happen to good people. Denying this hurts the sufferer.

“Pull yourself together”

If you’ve been trying, someone saying this to you comes across as “You haven’t been trying hard enough, do more, and more, and more until you get it right. ” So back you go, trying more and more, and still getting nowhere because you cannot pull yourself out of depression by your bootstraps, and you can’t fix a medical problem by force of will.

“You’re just being lazy”

One of the common features of depression is a disturbed sleep pattern. This can often take the form of waking early each day (say 2 AM) and being unable to get back to sleep. Multiply this over several months, and the results can be severe.

On top of this, everything is screaming that the world is a horrible place and nothing is worth the effort any more. Acting like a spring bunny is just plain out of the question. It is not laziness, it is a consequence of the illness. 

Shawn Sells will be holding his second meeting that is seeking to reach out to the mentally ill and their families and friends that attend his church.  It will be on July 13th.

This is a new venture for Shawn so please pray that God would guide him and that real ministry will be able to take place as they seek God in some difficult circumstances.

If you’d like to learn more I am going to link to the article I ran that introduced this community to what God has placed on Shawn’s heart.  You can read it by going HERE.     God bless!  Allan

My wife Belinda and myself celebrating my 55th birthday.

I have seen Agoraphobia depicted in movies and done so in a very simplistic way. After years of suffering the victim takes that first step and finally they are cured.  It makes for a happy ending but sadly that’s not the reality for Agoraphobia or any mental illness and as such, minimizes the real life struggles so many endure.  If you’re interested you can read an attempt at a movie review I wrote last year on a family film I believe is an example of  this.  Click here to read that “review!”

The following article does an excellent job in explaining Agoraphobia as well showing the link between it and Panic Disorder.

On a personal level these are the two illnesses that I have dealt with for so many years and were the motivation for me creating this site.  I have not been that person who has gotten better as so many have.  To some my story may be seen as one of failure in light of the fact  I have been on Social Security for five years as I am unable to work.

I have been through tremendously dark times and have in the last few years regained territory I had lost and given up on.  My progress is gradual and I don’t know where the road I am on will lead.

I have come to a place of acceptance of where my life now is instead of seeing myself as a total failure as a person and follower of Christ.  I am sure I represent many who haven’t overcome their illness for any variety of reasons.  We are loved by God and He sees us quite differently than we so often see ourselves.

I am one of many who others may see as failures because of my life being where it is now instead of having overcome my demons.  If you have read this far maybe you live in a state of condemnation.  That does not come from God.  Maybe in knowing of my “weakness” you might find hope for yourself.  I pray you do.  Allan

What Is Agoraphobia?

Breaking down the term agoraphobia gives us its literal definition. Agora originates in the Greek language and refers to an open space, most typically a marketplace. A phobia is an intensely irrational fear. This meaning suggests that agoraphobia is an intense and abnormal fear of open or public places. But, this definition falls short in explaining the true meaning of this condition.

For the agoraphobic, the fear is not necessarily associated with open spaces. The central feature of agoraphobia is intense fear (panic response) of being in certain situations in which escape is difficult or potentially embarrassing, or where help is not readily available. This may include many places that would not meet the definition of open spaces, including many confined spaces. Such situations may include leaving home alone, being home alone, traveling by car, train or bus, being in an elevator, being in a crowd, being in a large store or mall, being on a bridge or standing in a line.

The fear associated with agoraphobia results in behavioral changes in order to avoid feared situations. An individual with agoraphobia may survey settings for escape routes and avoid situations where an exit is not easily available. This leads to avoidance behavior that may include only driving on certain roads, always sitting near the door in meeting or school settings, avoiding crowded places, or avoiding any place where it may be difficult to get to an exit. In extreme cases, the fear may become so consuming that the individual will not leave the house alone or becomes home bound altogether.

How Is Agoraphobia Related to Panic Disorder?

In a small minority of cases, agoraphobia may occur without panic disorder. However, it is typically triggered by the onset of panic attacks associated with panic disorder. Approximately one-third of people with panic disorder will develop agoraphobia. This complication can cause extreme disability and interference in one’s life. The risk of agoraphobia is increased if appropriate diagnosis and treatment is not begun during the early stage of panic disorder.

What Causes Agoraphobia?

As in the case of panic disorder, the exact cause of agoraphobia is not known. However, there are several theories that suggest the condition develops based on a complex interaction of biological, genetic, environmental and/or social factors and experiences.

How Does Agoraphobia Develop With Panic Disorder?

Not all people with panic disorder develop agoraphobia. However, for those that do, there are common thought and behavioral processes that take place. The National Institute of Mental Health published this account of how agoraphobia typically develops:

“One day, without any warning or reason, I felt terrified. I was so afraid, I thought I was going to die. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning. I would get these feelings every couple of weeks. I thought I was losing my mind. The more attacks I had, the more afraid I got. I was always living in fear. I didn’t know when I might have another attack. I became so afraid that I didn’t want to leave my house or other safe places.”

Getting Help

The symptoms of agoraphobia can be frightening and potentially disabling. But, the majority of sufferers find significant relief with treatment. The sooner treatment begins after the onset of panic disorder, the more quickly symptom reduction or elimination will be realized. However, even those with long-term symptoms will generally experience improvement with treatment, and most will regain the freedom to resume many of the activities they once enjoyed.

If you believe that you may be one of those who suffers from either Panic Disorder or Agoraphobia go see your doctor and get checked out.  There may be something such as a thyroid issue that is causing your problems.  If  that’s not the case then maybe you need to seek help via a professional.  There is a whole section to your right with links to various counseling options. There is also a list of churches that you may want to begin with who are friendly to those with a mental illness.  You will not be judged.  Please don’t suffer in silence.

Courtesy of New Harbinger Publications

By Mary Kearl

“I’ve dropped again. I don’t feel anything. Apparently my weight is so low for my height that I’m eating myself (brain included). But it just doesn’t make sense. It’s a sterile, passionless statement … I feel so detached … I just can’t see what they’re seeing. Occasionally I’ll catch a fleeting glimpse of myself in a car window or shop door and step back in horror. But then, flesh will grow back and hide the skeleton, and no amount of squinting will bring it back…”

So wrote 18-year-old Lucy Howard-Taylor in her diary while still within the grip of anorexia nervosa. The entries, which have now been adapted into her new memoir “Biting Anorexia” (available in the U.S. September 2009), follow her progression from denying having an eating disorder to admitting she may have a problem, through treatment and finally touch upon the beginnings of what — she knows now at age 19 — will be a long recovery. In an interview with AOL Health she describes how anorexia damaged her body, relationships, successful academic record and even her ability to hold a conversation, plus one aspect of her disorder she’s not willing to discuss.

AOL Health: In your book you discuss that when you were in the grip of your eating disorder how important it was to appear like a real anorexic, to appear like you were disappearing. Why?

Lucy Howard-Taylor: The level of competitiveness among people suffering from anorexia is extreme. Involved as I was in online pro-anorexia communities, I was constantly seeing other peoples’ weights, and I constantly felt myself under pressure to go “further,” to “beat” them. Some communities wouldn’t approve your joining unless you were severely emaciated. The desire to be a “real” anorexic was a very real one, and still is. I remember treating the hospitalized girls with a deathly reverence — as though only they knew what it was to be truly anorexic. There are so many people on diets, and eating disorders have been so popularized in the media, that there was the very real feeling that one had to “prove” the genuineness of one’s problem — and that this could only be done through forced hospitalization, or through appearing scarily emaciated. When I first met one of the girls on one of my forums [in person], I was so anxious that she’d think I was faking the anorexia I could barely eat for the week beforehand. Later, she confessed the same.

AOL Health: What happened to your school-life, love-life, family-life and social-life during the year-plus that you were fighting anorexia?

Howard-Taylor: They collapsed. My family life became fraught with arguments. I used to walk for hours just to escape the heat of the house, and the constant attention on my food and behavior. School-life was a little easier, but I withdrew absolutely, and people began not to approach me. I started to get what I would understand later were panic attacks, and I’d retreat to the bathroom for ages. Unable to pay attention in class, and embarrassed by the noises my stomach made all the time, I started to skip classes for the first time. I was in a position of leadership (I was school captain) which made things much harder. I often had to give speeches, and be present at events. When I think of my final year at school (which is when I was sickest), I remember struggling to get up stairs, and little else. My social-life was non-existent. Someone told me that they had stopped asking me out to things because I never came. I couldn’t sustain conversations. There was no space at all for a love-life.

AOL Health: How long did it take for your loved ones to notice your disordered eating?

Howard-Taylor: It wasn’t noticed for a number of months, by anyone — least of all myself. It developed so incrementally that by the time I was already very ill, the idea of anorexia hadn’t really occurred to me. When my psychiatrist told me that I was very sick, and that I had anorexia nervosa, I remember registering a strange sense of shock. My parents had picked up on it before I did, but because I was so badly-tempered (because of the lack of food over weeks) they chose to write me a note instead of confronting me directly. I will always remember the part of it that suggested that I let Mum make an appointment with a nutritionist “to discuss my ideas on food.” There was a part of me that realized a small problem at that point. From memory, my friends and teachers only really started to notice when I came back to school after summer, having lost a lot of weight. Again, no one directly approached me about it. Some of my friends made jokes, because they didn’t know what else to say. A couple of teachers started asking me more regularly “how I was,” with that significant undertone that suggests they know something is wrong. A close friend wrote me a letter, like my parents, rather than confront me verbally. I treasure that letter. It was the one incident of someone else reaching out to me outside my family that I remember, and it meant so much to me.

AOL Health: In your memoir you have blocked out the numbers that you kept track of so diligently in your journal — the weight dropped, the weigh-ins. Why?

Howard-Taylor: Firstly, the numbers represent nothing. Anorexia is first and foremost a psychological disorder, which may or may not manifest itself in emaciation, or dramatic weight loss. Secondly, (and I have had ample experience with this on pro-ana forums) the weight statistics of others will always provide a sufferer with another number to beat. It’s horrifically competitive, and I will not contribute to that.

AOL Health: Do you mind sharing how much weight you lost and how much weight you’ve regained?

Howard-Taylor: I’d prefer not to for the above reason. For one person, the loss of 10 pounds might put them in dangerous territory; for another it might take 150 pounds. No one is more “truly” disordered for having lost “more” weight than anyone else. It is enough to say that I was dangerously underweight, well below the B.M.I. [body mass index] at which hospitalization is suggested, and at constant risk of a heart attack.

AOL Health: What did you eat most days during that time period?

Howard-Taylor: I ate a lot of fruit and low-calorie cereal. I had cups and cups of vegetable stock, which I liked to think of as soup. Rice crackers, and anything with a lot of flavor and salt: mustard, vegemite. A binge would probably have consisted on a few spoonfuls of cereal, some mustard, perhaps a few grapes, maybe a little slice of cheese, an olive, a spoonful of yogurt, three nuts, or so. My “binges” generally involved tiny quantities of a large range of foods. When I developed bulimia in recovery, my binges were much more substantial.

AOL Health: You visited nutritionists and psychiatrists to deal with this disorder, but one said, “You don’t look anorexic…”

Howard-Taylor: I was mortified. I got out of there as soon as I could. Seeing this first psychologist was the very first time a part of me had started to admit that I might have had a problem, and she just cut me down. The psychiatrist I started seeing a little while later was an expert in eating disorders. I still see her. She is amazing, and I am so lucky to have found her. The nutritionists I saw at first were hopeless, and just told me everything that I already knew about the necessity of eating healthily. It was the dietitian my psychiatrist recommended who actually sat me down, went through what I was eating, and showed me what was wrong with it. I disputed a lot of what she said, but slowly things started to get through.

Courtesy of New Harbinger Publications

AOL Health: In the beginning you joined “pro-ana” groups online. Later, you joined recovery groups. Can you describe your experiences with both and why you decided to join?

Howard-Taylor: I went first to pro-anorexia sites, after reading an article about them. They’re awful places, with weight-loss challenges, “thinspiration,” and tips and motivations, but they gave me what I needed: Contact with people who knew what was going on. I made some deep friendships that I continue to keep today. One of the girls I met on one of these sites is now one of my closest friends, in real-time. It was only through these pro-ana sites that I came to the realization that what I was going through was not peculiar to me, myself, but that it was shared and that the things I thought were madness particular to me, were actually widespread hallmarks of a disease. In that way, the pro-anorexia sites actually helped me to acknowledge that I had a problem. On the other hand, of course, they represent close-knit communities of generally-young girls tied together by common illness. When you lack that sort of bond in real life, the urge to remain close “within” those communities is very strong, and was one of the reasons I didn’t want to get better. Luckily, a group of us decided that our lives were not being helped by the site we were on, and we decided to start a new site, a positive site that valued people as individuals, rather than as victims of a disease. Our site naturally became recovery-oriented.The birthing of We Bite Back and its forum marked the beginning of my recovery. It is born out of a disorder, but it exists because we refuse to be defined by that alone.

AOL Health: Taking the final exams which would determine whether you would be admitted to Sydney University was a turning point for you.

Howard-Taylor: I am naturally very proud, and very ambitious. I’m also terribly competitive (which worked to help develop the anorexia in the first place). I had for some years been at the top of my school year. Everyone just expected that I would do excellently. Anorexia fouled all of this up. My marks started dropping, and my brain started feeling more like a flubbery, unresponsive blob than an active, analytical organ. Other girls started to beat me. As totally as anorexia had destroyed my sense of self, my relationships with others, and my academic ability, it had yet to destroy my ambition, and probably couldn’t have destroyed my pride. The fact that anorexia could cause me to fail, was what first turned my mind. As much as I just could not see my level of emaciation, I couldn’t deny the mental effects. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t write essays, I could hardly keep conversations. I couldn’t “find” words. I couldn’t process ideas. It was agony to accept that the only thing holding me back was the fact that I was starving myself.

AOL Health: Did keeping a journal help?

Howard-Taylor: Keeping a diary was just another way of meticulously controlling and documenting everything that I ate. Writing in my diary became as much of a compulsion as the anorexia itself. [But] keeping a journal was [also] a way of keeping my mind, of managing it.

Anorexia is so senseless, and so incomprehensible to anyone on the outside. I felt that if I could find words for what I was feeling, and for what I was going through, if I could somehow invent a vocabulary for the darkness, that I would be able to manage it better — and moreover, be able to explain it to my mum. She was so distressed that I needed a way to articulate what I was going through, to help her to understand.

Now it represents my personal evidence that all of it really happened, and in those moments when I try to convince myself that nothing was ever wrong with me, it shows differently.

AOL Health: For a great deal of the time you were battling anorexia, you couldn’t admit to yourself, let alone to your friends and family around you, that you were a “real” anorexic. How have you been able to not only admit the problem to yourself, but open up and share your story in a book that is available worldwide?

Howard-Taylor: It was difficult at first. I still worry about how people will perceive me when I go and give talks on anorexia. I’m still worried that I won’t come across as “thin” enough to have people believe me. But I have the evidence: I kept such a detailed diary, that reading back over it now, I can see all too scarily how sick I was. I have my prescriptions. I have the every-day reminder of a handful of anti-depressants. I have a family who can (unfortunately) never forget. I still see my psychiatrist. But with developing health comes a developing sense of just how wrong things were. I can admit to myself now that I was very, very ill. But it takes time to appreciate this, and just how dreadful it got only becomes apparent as life gets better and better. When I was editing my diary and putting the book together, I often neglected it for weeks on end because I didn’t think there was a real issue there at all. I came close to deleting the manuscript a number of times. In those early days of recovery, you have to learn to trust. I had to put my trust in my family — that they were horrified by my body for a reason, that they were genuinely scared for my life.

AOL Health: Can you describe some of the treatments you’ve had?

Howard-Taylor: Medication (anti-depressants and an anti-psychotic to help me sleep) was very helpful. It was difficult, and I could feel my brain rearranging and numbing itself, but I don’t like to speculate where I would be had I not had that chemical intervention. Weekly appointments with my psychiatrist were invaluable. I hated them, but only because she hurt my head with all her arguments that so effectively countered mine. Weekly appointments with my dietician were also a great help. The most important thing for me to realize was that recovery would take a long time; that I wouldn’t be better in any number of months; that it would take years. I was prescribed a liquid calorie replacement (Ensure) that I was supposed to have twice a day. In the beginning it was too confronting, and I used to tip it down the sink, or dilute it ridiculously with water. Slowly, over months, I began to drink a little more of it, every week, and it gave me some strength. I used to use visualization after I had eaten a meal to make me feel better, and to restrict panic attacks. On my recovery forum, worried about other girls, I used to dispense advice, and try to get them to eat and look after themselves. It didn’t take long before I realized the hypocrisy, so in that way, We Bite Back represented an important part of my treatment, too. Writing, however, was my chief therapy. Doing something you love to do is incompatible with anorexia and the self-hate it requires you to cultivate. Writing is what I love, and as I wrote, pages and pages of diary entries, lists, ideas, I could almost feel the anorexia scowling. Writing helped me to wrench my self-definition from the eating disorder, and place it firmly in my hands.

AOL Health: You experienced periods of depression while anorexic. Have those subsided?

Howard-Taylor: I had never experienced depression beforehand. I still struggle with it, but only from time to time, and I’m luckily on anti-depressants. But my days are never “black” now, as they used to be. Sometimes I feel that very particular “grey pall” of depression, coupled with lethargy and listlessness, but my days are on the whole, okay. More than okay, actually. My days are wonderful.

AOL Health: Do you think you’re fully “recovered” from anorexia? Do you fear relapse?

Howard-Taylor: I think I am getting to that point where I can say, confidently, that I am “recovered.” It’s a wonderful, liberating feeling. I do feel the threat of relapse, however, especially in moments of great stress. But I am able to identify the triggers now, and act accordingly. I know that if I have a particularly stressful time coming up at [Sydney University] that I need to go to bed at a regular time every night and do things that I like to do. I know that I need to keep myself organized so that I don’t become overwhelmed with work, and turn to not eating to cope. Sometimes, when the start of the descent is not obvious to me, my mum, or a close friend will pick up on it. What works in my favor, and against relapse, however, is that I have only just realized in the past couple of months that I have absolutely no desire to go back to anorexia again. There is too much that I want to achieve.

AOL Health: What does healthy eating mean to you now?

Howard-Taylor: Healthy eating to me now is being conscious of what I eat, but not letting myself be tyrannized by it. I eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it. If I crave something, I’ll have it. I no longer binge, at all. Bingeing and vomiting faded out of my life as slowly as they faded into it. I can recognize feelings of fullness and emptiness, which I haven’t been able to do for years. I eat until I’m full, and then I stop. The body is amazing, and so complex. I rely on it to tell me what I need, and it relies on me to provide it. The most satisfying thing is having your body trust you again.

AOL Health: Who do you hope reads your memoir?

Howard-Taylor: I first put the thing together in the hope that it would help my mum to understand what I was going through. She was the one who suggested that it might be worth publishing, at some point, further on into my recovery. The suggestion that I could reach out to people and show them that they weren’t alone in their war really appealed to me. So the third part of the book is directed specifically at sufferers. I particularly hope that health professionals, and those involved at schools and colleges (teachers especially) will read it. There is very little understanding of what it is to go through a mental illness, and those who do risk becoming totally and dangerously isolated. There are still stereotypes that urgently need dismantling. We need to create a culture of awareness and acceptance — a mental illness is not something to be ashamed of, nor is it something you bring upon yourself. There’s a long way to go, but as more people speak out and tell their stories we’ll be on our way towards creating a dialogue of mental illness that can only work to liberate and empower its victims.

Since seeking treatment, Lucy Howard-Taylor was accepted at Sydney University where she studies English and law. She is a photographer and published poet.