Last month things fell apart for me as my anxiety got out of control. As I’m so used to having control of this part of my life I was hit hard. Losing all control is devastating for me. For a few weeks after my two panic episodes I lost all sorts of ground and any type of driving was proving to be too much for me. So I retreated into my safety zone and attempted to regroup.
I realized I needed to see a counselor as I was a mess on my own. I was able to connect with a counselor I used to see and today was my first visit with her.
Last night I was very nervous as I didn’t know if I’d be able to make the drive and the idea of another panic attack was not on my list of things to do.
I woke up early today as I first had to see my psychiatrist to square away my medication. We decided to leave things as they are and I’ll check back in a month. I was happy as I left the appointment as I was feeling very good as my drive was very comfortable.
From there I left to go buy my daughter her Valentine’s gift. This drive would be a stretch but I felt I was up for it. On my way to the store I came to a stop at an intersection and immediately saw a young teen speeding along on his bicycle plow into a car that was about to make a left turn. At that point everything seemed to slow down. I saw him hit the car and then he and his bicycle both went across the hood of the car, landing on the street. I thought for some reason all was okay until I noticed he wasn’t moving. I quickly parked my car and ran to the scene. The woman who he hit was very emotional and in tears. Another man showed up as I did and he got down on the street and talked the young boy down. He was crying and in pain. I took the driver aside and tried to calm her down as we waited for the ambulance to arrive. She was in shock as she kept saying she has three teenaged boys of her own. I stayed with her till the authorities arrived. It seemed the boy may have had a concussion as he didn’t know where he was. He was so scared laying there in the street. Eventually everything was taken care of and after I gave my statement I was on my way.
Later today I went for my counseling. My drive was perfect and I wasn’t anxious at all. It was a nice reunion with my counselor after having not seen her in almost two and a half years. Our time together was fruitful and she had good things to say to me.
She shared an amazing story with me. 28 years ago her husband took off and took their two little boys with him. She hadn’t seen them since then. This past years through a series of events God brought her boys back into her life. The hole in her heart has been filled with joy and love as her sons are now a part of her life.
As I listened to her I realized miracles do happen. I realize stories like hers don’t usually have this type of ending but it made me realize nothing is impossible for God. I’ve pretty much given up on having a “normal” life again. But as I listened to her story it seemed a spark was struck and I realized all hope is never really lost. Sometimes God waits many years to conclude a matter. Why He does so with some and not others I will never know but knowing He does and He can is a string to hold onto.
Also during our time my thoughts were turned towards the young teen who had been hurt earlier in the day. He was crying and alone with strangers and very scared. As I thought about him I wished I had been able to comfort him. He reminded me of me when I was his age. I longed for comfort that never came. It was a strange experience for me.
I have a road to travel that frankly I would rather not. Today is the first time in what seems ages that I’m even entertaining the idea of beginning that journey.
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Filed under: Christian Counseling, Christianity, Mental Illness
Ebrother, notice you started the drive with, “I hope I can do this” and ended the drive with, ” I wish I could have comforted that young man” Even after you comforted the Lady…Maybe God already has you on a journey that you are not aware of? He uses you almost every time you go out…and uses you in big ways…it is no easy thing for someone to stop and help others when we are on our way somewhere…and that includes ‘normal’ people…and here you are…trying to stay focused so you are not blind sided by a panic attack and anxiety and you don’t think twice about stopping and helping others…wishing latter that you could have done more…you are my hero! I hope i grow up to be just like you. love you
I have learned through some of my own counseling sessions that distraction is a very strong cure for depression and anxiety because we end up focusing on something else besides what we a depressed or anxious about. For me, it works for me to stay busy and productive; otherwise I dwell on my worries and fears. I work at a busy office with little breaks throughout the day, but it is a good place for me. I try to do productive things on the weekend, such as cleaning, going for walks or hikes or riding my bike with my husband. I have a ministry where I write letters to orphans, so this is also a productive thing for me and takes my mind off myself. My counselor gave me a list one time of 100 things to do to distract myself from my worries and depression—-everything from watching tv to doing crossword puzzles, cutting out coupons, and walking my dog to cleaning out cupboards and painting pictures.
In your situation, I actually thought that perhaps you getting a speaker blue tooth if you don’t have one and then calling someone on the phone to talk to while you are driving might be a help. It would distract you from your anxiety about driving and going out and keep you from thinking about what causes you anxiety…it’s just a thought.
It sounds like you had an interesting day. Keep focusing on God, most of all and doing things productive. I think that always helps.
dusty, Thank you. With all of the activity at the accident scene I was absolutely calm and tried to be of help any way I could. After I left the scene I went back to having some anxiety as I completed my drive! You would think after being involved at the accident scene I would be totally calm. Coming across an accident scene is not something that scares me so I seem to do okay. But put me in a real stressful situation like driving a car and I fall apart!!
Interesting how our minds work…. God bless!!
White Horses, Thank you for posting. You offer excellent advice concerning distraction. I recall putting a rubber band on my wrist with the idea that when I became anxious while driving I would snap it and the sting would take my mind off of it. Unfortunately it didn’t work as my mind would not divert from what would be physically and mentally taking place with me.
My anxiety has become what I might describe as the perfect enemy. It knows me well and knows exactly when to rear its ugly head. In my mind a monster has been created that I see as too overwhelming to confront. So I’ve chosen to avoid confronting it.
That hasn’t worked for me as I have such deep seeded roots that pretty much control my responses when confronting my fears. God willing seeing a counselor will help me to somehow declaw the monster and begin to reclaim ground I have lost a bit at a time. And as you rightfully reminded me I need to focus on God. Sadly there are too many times I buy into the lie He has left me to do life by myself. Reading how you have done so well is something that reminds me we can have victories. Thank you for that.
E, I agree, driving is stressful…but I think you are wrong about not confronting your fears…I have seen you confront your fears a lot…maybe not to the extent that you would hope, but way more than you think you do, otherwise you would not step foot into your car…or outside your home.
I am happy for you that you reconnected with your counselor…and I think the two of you working together is a good thing.
EDawg! What Dusty said…both times…especially “you are my hero! I hope i grow up to be just like you.”
E, listen to the Captain, he’s wise.
CK and dusty, I don’t know how to respond. When I decided to share my struggles a month ago I did so grudgingly as I didn’t want to be seen as a person who does a blog offering hope when I was losing it in big chunks. For whatever reason readers showed much interest and support (especially as Randall Slack got the word out) for me. So I decided to share more about myself as I live my life. I do so so that readers know how I’m doing. Thank you for your kind words.
Sharing all the ups and downs, twists and turns with such honesty and grace helps us all, I think. I know it does me!! Late to this thread – but blessed all the same. Thank you!
Thanks for dropping by Anne. I’m happy you receive something positive from reading.