A few weeks ago I began having a terrible toothache. I figured I’d take some Tylenol until it passed. Well it took almost two weeks to pass so I took a lot of Tylenol as well as Ibuprofen. That was the only way the pain was manageable.
You might be asking why I didn’t simply go to the dentist and have it taken care of? That’s a fair question. The answer to that question is it absolutely terrifies me to go back to the dentist. The last time I went I had a panic attack after they shot me full of Novocaine. They rubbed my shoulders and tried to talk me through it as best they could. When the Novocaine wore off I went home.
I’ve been terrified my entire life. It began with an alcoholic father and it seems all I’ve known is intense fear my whole life. My fears ranged from understandable to almost humorous. I went years without wearing colored socks as a kid as I had heard the dye could get into your blood and poison you. Even though I was quite athletic the idea of fighting/defending myself was never an option even if the other person was as nerdy as you could imagine.
It seemed self preservation was my goal in life. My little sister choked on a fish bone at the dinner table when I was maybe 14 and I ran out the front door. I was with a good friend when the neighborhood bully pulled out a knife while we were in an alley and I took off running.
My mind became my enemy as I was unable to think of nothing but the worst scenarios for anything that took place. When I was 16 I had my very first trip to the dentist as I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand it. That began my love affair with dentists.
When I was maybe 20 I began having trouble swallowing steak so I quit eating it. Also around that time I was awake every night pacing my apartment with my index finger to my throat as I though I might be having a heart attack. I refused to go to doctors as the idea of learning the worst was too much for me. That worked as I was younger but was a bad plan as years passed and life caught up with me.
I almost died maybe 12 years ago when my appendix became perforated. Instead of going to the doctor I just went with the pain which eventually subsided enough for me to get by. That led to doctor visits that showed nothing wrong, maybe I had food poisoning. Yet for the next 17 days I had a fever and managed to get by. Finally I saw the doctor and didn’t take Tylenol which controlled my fever. It was 103 and they hospitalized me and did emergency surgery. Part of my colon was removed and my appendix were pretty much dissolved. I was in the hospital for 10 days as they fought to keep my fever under control. I was too afraid to look at my scar for weeks.
And maybe 17 years ago I had my first full blown panic attack that entirely changed my life. I lasted at work for several years until finally my medication wasn’t enough to ward off the anxiety and depression that were ever present. Amazingly my work after being diagnosed wasn’t a problem as I made adjustments as a salesman that kept my appointments close to the office. But it couldn’t last forever and I found myself on social security disability where I’ve remained the last seven years.
I’ve been through what many of you may have experienced. I had a man try to cast demons out of me to exorcise my fears. I’ve had folks question my faith in the promises of God. I had my pastor tell me I was in sin. Others simply can’t comprehend why I have trouble driving very far. After all driving is as easy as taking a nice walk.
This last week I’ve had two major panic episodes. The kind where my body experiences these odd sensations and my mind totally gets away from me as stark terror sets in. Tonight it was so bad I ran a red light to get home as I was so far into the attack. It was a left turn light and no cars were there. but I still broke the law.
The other day I listened to a relaxation tape and part of it was walking you through a beautiful forest to a waterfall. I teared up as I was reminded of what I’ve lost.
Tonight I feel like one of those cases that is destined to never get any better. My faith has been trampled and stomped on and this is one of those nights where I feel like there’s no hope of getting better..
Please pray for me.
Filed under: Agoraphobia, Christian Counseling, Christianity, Mental Illness
Let me pray for you right now: Lord, you know the darkest corner of fear, experiencing its terror in the garden of Gethsemane. The book of Hebrews said you offered up prayers with strong crying and tears, and your brow sweat blood. No agony is strange to you, not even the one of panic stricken men. You turned to your Father and we turn to him now, asking for grace and mercy to help in time of need. Allan needs grace to grow out of a life of panic and fear. He calls out for peace tonight, and for courage tomorrow. Grant both, in abundance, and give his spiritual understanding that will guide him on a new path of strength. Amen.
I will pray for you often and fervently. I know something of the place you are in and emphasize with you. I pray the Triune God will make His peace manifest to you. You
Ron
Allan, my heart is so with you! My prayers,too. In the past I have also experienced anxiety, (didn’t drive for 12 years but I am now and have for 7 yrs with no fear). You are so courageous to be willing to be transparent before others and to continue this most helpful and encouraging site!
I’m sorry you’ve had to endure other’s ideas/accusations of sin and demons needed driven out in order to be cured.
Your life’s story makes me think of Genesis 50:20 and Romans 8:28 put together : What Satan means for harm God means for good…you help many, possibly saving lives!
Dr Stanley said something to this affect; “Some things are so important to God that He interrupts His children’s health and lives to get it accomplished.”
Stay in His Word (the only way to get through this time) and hang on to Him as He hangs on to you!
Please keep us all in tune with you and how you are. It’s a privilege to pray for you, thank you for asking.
Fran
I went through similar things and in many ways lost 20 years of my life to panic-agoraphobia. But as I learned you must fight on, God will direct you whether it is through counseling, praying medication or just time. [I once had to drive to the emergency ward after panicking over a future dental appointment. God has been able to now see me through some difficult oral surgery, where I could actually thank the doctor with a sincere heart that I got through it]
1sparrow, Thank you for your beautiful prayer.
Ron, Thank you for your prayers and for taking time to post.
Fran, I had two drafts that I didn’t post in the last weeks I didn’t share as I was embarrassed to share where I’m at right now. I didn’t want to take away from what this blog is about or discourage anyone. I love to hear about folks like you who have come through tough times and are now doing well. Thank you for sharing.
Ken, Thanks for your wise words. The dentist is something I must deal with as I have dental problems. Right now I can’t bring myself to go. I actually had been through a root canal, a crown, and maybe a filling prior to my last visit. I thought it was an easy procedure but things didn’t turn out well. I’m happy you dropped by and shared. Thank you.
Allan: Someone once said, “Don’t be afraid to share with other Christians just where you are at. It let’s them know that you are human and makes them feel that they aren’t alone.”
I have a panic attack every morning, without fail. I don’t have a clue why, I just do. I too, have dealt with fear my whole life, yet since becoming a Christian, I’m not really afraid of anything. (Sound neurotic, don’t I?). It comes upon me and I ask myself, “What do I have to fear?” Yet, there it is.
One thing that has been very helpful for me it to talk about it. I realize that there are those who are much more spiritual than I am, and are willing to let me know it, even if I don’t ask. They are also quick to tell me what is wrong with me, all the while ignoring the beam in their own eye.
That being said, I love you brother. You have called and encouraged me at times when I was so down nobody knew except the Lord. You listened to the voice of the Spirit and called (twice).
The truth is, you are loved by many. And you make a difference in people’s lives. And maybe that is why you have gotten these panic attacks lately? Or maybe it’s chemical? Maybe it’s strawberry ice cream? I don’t know. (Poor attempt at levity here…sorry).
Thanks for sharing your fear. We (Rachel and I) will be praying for you. Grace and peace…
My wife, Debra, just came into my study very concerned about you Allan. I forgot to mention that she is praying too.
E, you got it brother.
E…lifting you up in prayer now. You encourage so many; even when you are vulnerable you encourage people who feel alone in their struggles. Hugs to you and your precious family….
Praying for you, erunner ! Both conditions have affected my family, and I understand their impact.
Praying for the God of comfort and healing be with you, Brother E .
Praying for you, Allan. Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you. You are a special and dear friend.
i, too, am lifting you up before the Throne – Faith is hard at times of helplessness, no matter what anyone says – be assured, you will come out the other side of this and thank you for all you’ve done for so many – your heart has blessed us all
On a tangent here…but I have mitral valve prolapse and it is a common experience for anyone with that condition to have a panic attack reaction to Novocaine. (Something to do with the adrenaline in the Novocaine.) I can feel fine sitting in the dentist chair one minute and then have overwhelming panic come over me as I sit there waiting for the numbing effect. It helps me cope to know it is a normal reaction and will wear off in time. Just wondering if Novocaine has a similar effect on you, making your dental experiences even worse than they already are. So sorry to hear about your discomfort.
Thank you for walking through the fear to post this Erunner. Your story past and present has been so important in my life!
This may be controversial to post here, but for me, mindfulness based stress reduction has been my most effective help living with anxiety disorder, major depression and recuperating from several small strokes. It has helped me be able to cope with overwhelming feelings, and for me most importantly find acceptance of myself and my situation.
I think that more than the conditions themselves, feelings of shame, powerlessness, and hopelessness are so hard to cope with. I still find myself grieving for the me I wish I could still be – buying into the lie that my worth is based on what I can or can’t do. During this time, may you be as gentle and loving to yourself as you are to so many others!
Efriend, I will be joining many others in praying for you. Your bravery in sharing this is commendable. There are very few people with whom I share my times of depression, even in my own family. I love and appreciate you so much and will be praying and hoping for God’s very best in your life.
Randall, Thank you for your concern and letting others know. I’m overwhelmed by the responses. I do need to talk and a counselor is probably in order. You and Rachel are important to me as it seems we have some ties that bind. Maybe we can talk again. Thanks again.
fme2, please note, Reuben, and Em, thank you for taking time to post and for your prayers. They mean the world to me.
Tracy, Thank you. There are two types of Novocaine I know of. One acts as a stimulant and they don’t use that any more with me. The other is different and the Novocaine doesn’t act as long which for me is fine. I have no issues with my heart as it’s been checked.
Anne, The last counselor I saw specialized in mindfulness. For whatever reason it didn’t work for me although I know it has worked for so many others. I can identify with the things you listed that it has helped you with. I’m hoping to find someone who specializes in helping people with dental phobias. I recall how dark things were for you not all that long ago and it’s great to see you doing so much better. Thanks for sharing.
CK, Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words.
So now I know the real reason you lost two consecutive games of WWF…
I would have scored 10 points under those conditions!
Love you brother.
Allan, my wife and I are praying for you. I salute you for your bravery in speaking up!
FWIW, I suffer from depression and anxiety. Like Anne, I’ve found some good help with mindfulness/awareness based stuff. You don’t shoot your mind to the moon, no matter what anyone tells you. Our minds — what we think and feel — can trick us, especially when we’re depressed or in panic mode.
God bless you.
Thanks Reuben! WWF is a game I love and it allows me to relax. Might be time to check my games!
Praying for you tonight, Allan…I’ve been offline most of the day. Praying that peace descends upon you tonight in a way that brings great comfort. Praying that as we gather in prayer across the country for you, we cover you with a canopy of prayer. Praying as well that our Father be gracious and kind and generous with you in this moment of need, that He holds back the enemy of our souls.
Know that you are cared for and lifted up.
e-runz,
I just finished reading your post and you are right, I don’t know. I haven’t walked in your shoes and likely won’t. But that doesn’t preclude me caring and praying and telling you that I love and admire you. Just as I couldn’t know unless you share it, you won’t unless I share too. You are a good man and a brave one, clearly more of both than me. Keep us posted as we walk through this with you the best we can. Phil aka filbertz
I am sorry to hear of your suffering. I have no words other than those I utter before the Father in your behalf. Fear is such a horrible bondage I pray for your deliverance from this affliction.
Oh E … I’m so sorry you are dealing with such difficult struggles … wish there was something I could say or do to help you
… praying for you now …
To the rest who have commented I appreciate your words and prayers. I will be setting up an appointment with my psychiatrist to see if a change in medication is in order. Words can’t express my gratitude. Allan
Father God I thank You for all You have done in Erunner’s life. I thank You for the past few years that You have allowed him to have some freedom from this thorn that have been in his side for so long. I thank You for the courage You gave him to share and to start this much needed and important blog.
I ask You to continue Your favor on him as he continues to faithfully serve You and Your people. Father, please give my brother relief, give him comfort and give him solutions. I am asking for, as i will always ask You for my friend’s complete healing of these panic attacks and anxiety. Please hear the cries of Your children on Erunner’s behalf…please show Your mercy.
Ebrother, praying for you…i am so sorry…it will get better…I promise…just concentrate on one breath at a time. love you ((((big hugs)))
dusty, Thank you for your beautiful prayer. You’ve always been a good friend to me. God bless you.
I just saw this post. I too am praying for you.
Thank you Anna.