Family: Pup’s Death Attributed To Man’s “PTSD”

Phillip Shawn Rich (left) at his arraignment and Knight shown with another dog before the beating Source: Pup's Death Tied to Vet's "War Trauma": Family | NBC San Diego

Taken from  NBC San Diego  which is located    HERE.

A San Diego-area man charged with beating a puppy so badly it had to be euthanized is a veteran currently getting treatment for PTSD at the VA hospital, according to his defense attorney.

Phillip Shawn Rich, 26, of Crest, faces one felony charge of animal abuse for the death of his four-month-old male Siberian husky.

Rich brought the puppy, named Knight, to a veterinary hospital Saturday night. After the hospital staff examined the dog, they decided its injuries were so severe the animal had to be euthanized.

Hospital staff called in San Diego County Animal Services once they realized Rich’s explanation of the incident didn’t match the animal’s injuries.

On Wedneday, Rich pleaded not guilty in El Cajon Superior Court.

His attorney requested no bail, explaining that her client has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and is currently receiving treatment at the VA hospital.

The dog suffered head trauma and a collapsed lung and had both hind legs fractured, Deputy District Attorney Ryan Karkenny told the judge.

He added his office is actively investigating a second case of animal cruelty involving Rich but did not go into details at the arraignment.

The judge held Rich on $25,000 bail but ordered he receive treatment for PTSD while in custody.

Rich’s mother Cheryl Winget was visibly upset outside court.

“He’s not the monster that you guys are making him out to be,” Winget said.

Rich’s uncle Samuel Green said his nephew served two tours in Iraq and suffered a traumatic brain injury from an IED explosion.

“He changed markedly from the Phillip we knew before Iraq and after. He knew he had changed and he was concerned,” said Green.

While he said the family doesn’t diminish the crime committed, they do believe the beating was a product of war trauma.

“We know that all that we can do now is help Phillip. This is what ‘support our troops’ means. This is where ‘support our troops’ comes into play,” Green said.

Rich’s next court appearance will be Feb. 2 for a readiness hearing. He faces up to three years in state prison if convicted.

Source: Pup’s Death Tied to Vet’s “War Trauma”: Family | NBC San Diego

Help My Unbelief

Less than two weeks ago I wrote a spontaneous article born out of the trials I had been going through.  Although things are far from where I hope them to be this article I wrote in 2008 has put things in better perspective for me.  If you are weighed down with heavy burdens I pray this might somehow benefit you.  Allan- 2012  The article I referenced is found   HERE.

It seems when I read Scripture, stories like these cause me to immediately think about how they might relate to mental illness. In trying to do that in this article I hope I haven’t done harm to the text.  In the article I will refer to all three Gospel accounts of the same story.  Allan- 2008

Mark 9:14  And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them.
Mark 9:15  And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him.
Mark 9:16  And he asked them, “What are you arguing about with them?”
Mark9:17  And someone from the crowd answered him, “Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute.
Mark 9:18  And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.”
Mark 9:19  And he answered them, “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.”
Mark 9:20  And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth.
Mark 9:21  And Jesus asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood.
Mark 9:22  And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.”
Mark 9:23  And Jesus said to him, “If you can! All things are possible for one who believes.”
Mark 9:24  Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”
Mark 9:25  And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.”
Mark 9:26  And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, “He is dead.”
Mark 9:27  But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose.
Mark 9:28  And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?”
And he said to them, “This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer.”

Luke 9:37  And it happened on the next day, they coming down from the mountain, a huge crowd met Him.
Luke 9:38  And behold, a man cried aloud from the crowd, saying, Teacher, I beseech You, look on my son, for he is my only-born son.
Luke 9:39  And lo, a spirit takes him, and he suddenly cries out. And it throws him into convulsions, with foaming, and with pain departs from him, bruising him.
Luke 9:40  And I begged Your disciples to cast him out, and they could not.
Luke 9:41  And answering, Jesus said, O unbelieving generation, one having been perverted, how long shall I be with you and endure you? Bring your son here.
Luke 9:42  And as he was still coming, the demon violently convulsed and tore him. And Jesus rebuked the unclean spirit and healed the child and delivered him again to his father.

Matthew 17:14  And when they came to the crowd, a man came to Him, kneeling down to Him and saying,
Matthew  17:15  Lord, have mercy on my son, for he is a lunatic and grievously vexed; for oftentimes he falls into the fire, and often into the water.
Matthew  17:17  Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I suffer you? Bring him here to Me.
Matthew  17:18  And Jesus rebuked the demon, and he departed out of him. And the child was cured from that very hour.
Matthew  17:19  Then the disciples came to Jesus apart, and said, Why could we not cast him out?
Matthew  17:20  And Jesus said to them, Because of your unbelief. For truly I say to you, If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, Move from here to there. And it shall move. And nothing shall be impossible to you.
Matthew 17:21  However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.

The above story, repeated three times, tells us of a father who brings his child to Jesus.  His son was possessed by a mute spirit that would cause the child to do things that would put fear in the heart of any parent.  It turns out that the disciples were not able to cast the demon from the boy and now the desperate father was asking Jesus to do what His disciples could not.

The story takes place immediately after Jesus, Peter, James, and John had come down from the Mount of Transfiguration where Jesus had been revealed in all of His glory.  No sooner had they come down from the mountain, they were greeted by a huge crowd, including disciples who had been arguing with the Scribes.  I imagine the Scribes were giving them the once over about this “character”  Jesus. 

That conversation ended immediately upon the crowd seeing Jesus and the three disciples.  The story then zeros in on the father and his encounter with Jesus.

He had brought his son hoping that the disciples would heal him.  I’m sure he must have heard of all the mighty miracles Jesus had done as well as those performed by the twelve disciples.  There is no indication the disciples here were of the twelve.

The father relates to Jesus that the disciples were not able to help his son and now he was counting on Jesus to do away with this foul spirit which Jesus proceeded to do.

As the disciples were later alone with Jesus they asked Him why they were not able to cast out the unclean spirit.  Jesus responded that it was due to their unbelief.  He then told them if they had faith like a mustard seed nothing would be impossible for them.  Keep in mind that a mustard seed is very small.

The father had presented to the disciples a son who had been afflicted for a long period of time.  The physical appearance of the son possibly shocked the disciples as the mute spirit had caused the child to do things that harmed him physically.  This may have intimidated the disciples and their prayers may have been impacted.

Despite the shortcomings of all involved Jesus rebuked the demon and commanded it to never return. The faith of the father was built up and the disciples learned a valuable lesson.  We also realize there were Scribes present who stubbornly refused to believe and Jesus soundly rebuked them for their unbelief.

Matthew 17:17  Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you?

In reading these accounts I thought of myself and my journey with mental illness.  In the story I see the child as an innocent victim.  When I became sick I saw myself as an innocent victim.  Instead of going straight to Jesus the father went elsewhere.  Instead of going to Jesus I read books and tried to reason my way out of my affliction.  Jesus in no uncertain terms pointed out the lack of faith in the father and disciples.  Unbelief was the root of so much of my illness, to the point I gave up on God and relied on myself.  I did this all while being a “dutiful Christian.”

As I read more and more about mental illness and the stories of those whom I care for who have been afflicted it challenges my faith.  When I see those who love God suffer emotionally I relate to their pain and wonder why the Godly suffer.  Who hasn’t wrestled with that?  What I pray is that none of us will become like Solomon who declared all was vanity.  God doesn’t abandon us or leave us to a life of vanity.

John 14:15  If you love Me, keep My commandments.
John 14:16  And I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, so that He may be with you forever,
John 14:17  the Spirit of Truth, whom the world cannot receive because it does not see Him nor know Him. But you know Him, for He dwells with you and shall be in you.
John 14:18  I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you.

In the story the father cried out “I believe, help my unbelief “in response to Jesus saying all things are possible to Him who believes.  The father, in honest humility, stated the condition of his heart and Jesus responded.

Further, when the disciples asked why they couldn’t cast out the demon Jesus told them it was because of their unbelief.  But…..  He told them if they had faith like a mustard seed all things were possible to them.

This story shows me that although unbelief is nothing to be proud of God doesn’t smite us because of it.  He longs to fill us with His Spirit so that we might be able to stand against the attacks of the enemy as he continually seeks to bring us down.

1Peter 5:6  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,
1Peter 5:7  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
1Peter 5:8  Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
1Peter 5:9  Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

Praise God there is more than one lion on the scene!  He was also a lamb!  Go figure!! 

Nothing will EVER separate us from the Love of God.  EVER!!

Lara Logan Says Egypt Assault Left Her With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Taken from MSNBC  which is located   HERE.

 

Given the horrific sexual assault she survived at the hands of a mob in Cairo, Egypt, it’s no surprise Lara Logan is still dealing with the aftermath.

The CBS News correspondent has revealed that she suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and that memories of the incident continue to haunt her nearly a year after the Feb. 11 attack.

“People don’t really know that much about [post-traumatic stress disorder],” she told the New York Daily News. “There’s something called latent PTSD. It manifests itself in different ways. I want to be free of it, but I’m not.”

The 40-year-old journalist said the nightmares come at unexpected times, for instance, when she’s tucking her infant daughter in for bed at night.

“It doesn’t go away,” Logan noted. “It’s not something I keep track of. It’s not predictable like that. But it happens more than I’d like.”

The battle-hardened war reporter was covering the celebrations in Tahrir Square the night the government of Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak fell when she was surrounded by a group of men who tore her clothes off and, as she told “60 Minutes” in April, for more than 25 minutes “raped me with their hands.” Logan admitted she thought she was going to die a “torturous death” and was only saved by some quick-thinking, courageous women who surrounded her until soldiers could pull her to safety.

“When I’m lying there, waiting for my daughter to go to sleep, I have time to think about things. Those can be dark moments,” the South African native recalled. “You ranger through, you have to. You’re aware of how much you have and it’s so much more than what you’ve lost. You have a responsibility. Life is not about dwelling on the bad.”

After spending four days in the hospital and months recovering, Logan told the paper her family has been her greatest source of comfort and support, particularly her U.S. government defense contractor husband, Joe Burkett.

“He understands, he doesn’t hide from it, from what happened. He knows everything, more than anyone, what they did to me,” she noted.

Here’s hoping she can put it all behind her one day.

The Angry…I Mean, Depressed Male: Do You Know Him?

Taken from  Rhett Smith’s website  which is located   HERE.

Over the last several months when I have gathered for lunch with a few of my friends, we joke about the idea of me writing a follow up book to The Anxious Christian called The Angry Christian. Don’t worry, that is not on my to do list, but our conversation hints at an issue that can be seen in our Christian culture.

If you haven’t noticed, there seems to be a lot of angry Christians out there. And more often than not, they are men.

But what I’m really wondering is if there isn’t just a bunch of depressed Christian men out there…and really,  men in general.

In the book Unmasking Male Depression, Archibald Hart lists off a few statistics (pp. 3):

• 80 percent of all suicides in the United States are men
• The male suicide rate at midlife is three times higher than at other times; for men over 65, it is seven times higher
• 20 million American men will experience depression sometime in their life
• 60-80 percent of depressed adults never get professional help, and men are at the top of the list here
• It can take up to ten years and exposure to at least three mental health professionals to properly diagnose this disorder
• 80-90 percent of men seeking treatment can get relief from their symptoms

This book was published in 2001, so I wonder what the statistics are today. Certainly higher I would imagine.

More and more men are coming into my office these days because they complain that they just don’t seem to know what is wrong with them. But when a man finds himself in my office I want to communicate to them that it is a huge step of courage on their part. Many men do not reach out for help, so if they take the step to call and actually come in, then I know something is seriously wrong. Hart writes (pp. 8):

“Being a man can be hazardous to your health, especially when you have to maintain your masculine identity at all costs. Generally, men are less willing to admit to depression because they believe, irrationally, that being depressed is a sign of weakness. They are also less likely to want to discuss the topic, for fear, I suppose, that they may discover something about themselves that they don’t like–that they are less manly than they think they are. Depression, the subliminal male self-believes, is a ‘feminine’ problem, so therefore, I cannot be depressed. It’s only logical, so don’t even suggest the idea.”

So maybe underneath all that anger is a man who really needs some help. Maybe you are that man. If you are, then one of the biggest acts of courage that you can do is to reach out for help. You are not alone.

And if you know a male who is struggling with depression, maybe there are some ways that you can come alongside of him and encourage him get the help he needs.

So what are some signs of male depression, since it so often looks different than female depression. Again, I turn to Archibald Hart for some good insight (pp. 29):

• Blames others for his depression
• Acts on his inner turmoil
• Needs to maintain control at all costs
• Overly hostile, irritable
• Attacks when hurt
• Tries to fix the depression by problem solving
• Turns to sports, TV, sex, alcohol
• Feels ashamed by depression
• Becomes compulsive, time keeper
• Terrified to confront weakness
• Tries to maintain strong male image
• Tries to act away his depression
• Turns to alcoholism and other addictions

This last summer my father and step-mom spent a month on a small lake in Minnesota. When my dad returned home he commented on how each day he could sit outside and hear all around the lake conversations of men who were sitting in their fishing boats all day fishing. My dad wondered if that type of male bonding wasn’t a form of therapy for them. Whether it was fishing, hunting, or playing sports together, maybe that is a way and a place for men to emotionally connect and process that anger, anxiety, depression and other emotions they were experiencing.

But we are living in a society that has become increasingly fractured and fast paced and men might be losing the ability to connect. And technology that men so often love may actually create a disconnection and with that disconnection comes a sense of loneliness that can foster depression.

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this. For every angry man I come across in life, I now ask myself, “Is he depressed?”

New Definition of Autism Will Exclude Many, Study Suggests

 

Taken from the New York Times Which is located   HERE.

Proposed changes in the definition of autism would sharply reduce the skyrocketing rate at which the disorder is diagnosed and might make it harder for many people who would no longer meet the criteria to get health, educational and social services, a new analysis suggests.

The definition is now being reassessed by an expert panel appointed by the American Psychiatric Association, which is completing work on the fifth edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the first major revision in 17 years. The D.S.M., as the manual is known, is the standard reference for mental disorders, driving research, treatment and insurance decisions. Most experts expect that the new manual will narrow the criteria for autism; the question is how sharply.

The results of the new analysis are preliminary, but they offer the most drastic estimate of how tightening the criteria for autism could affect the rate of diagnosis. For years, many experts have privately contended that the vagueness of the current criteria for autism and related disorders like Asperger syndrome was contributing to the increase in the rate of diagnoses — which has ballooned to one child in 100, according to some estimates.

The psychiatrists’ association is wrestling with one of the most agonizing questions in mental health — where to draw the line between unusual and abnormal — and its decisions are sure to be wrenching for some families. At a time when school budgets for special education are stretched, the new diagnosis could herald more pitched battles. Tens of thousands of people receive state-backed services to help offset the disorders’ disabling effects, which include sometimes severe learning and social problems, and the diagnosis is in many ways central to their lives. Close networks of parents have bonded over common experiences with children; and the children, too, may grow to find a sense of their own identity in their struggle with the disorder.

The proposed changes would probably exclude people with a diagnosis who were higher functioning. “I’m very concerned about the change in diagnosis, because I wonder if my daughter would even qualify,” said Mary Meyer of Ramsey, N.J. A diagnosis of Asperger syndrome was crucial to helping her daughter, who is 37, gain access to services that have helped tremendously. “She’s on disability, which is partly based on the Asperger’s; and I’m hoping to get her into supportive housing, which also depends on her diagnosis.”

The new analysis, presented Thursday at a meeting of the Icelandic Medical Association, opens a debate about just how many people the proposed diagnosis would affect.

The changes would narrow the diagnosis so much that it could effectively end the autism surge, said Dr. Fred R. Volkmar, director of the Child Study Center at the Yale School of Medicine and an author of the new analysis of the proposal. “We would nip it in the bud.”

Experts working for the Psychiatric Association on the manual’s new definition — a group from which Dr. Volkmar resigned early on — strongly disagree about the proposed changes’ impact. “I don’t know how they’re getting those numbers,” Catherine Lord, a member of the task force working on the diagnosis, said about Dr. Volkmar’s report.

Previous projections have concluded that far fewer people would be excluded under the change, said Dr. Lord, director of the Institute for Brain Development, a joint project of NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital, Weill Medical College of Cornell University, Columbia University Medical Center and the New York Center for Autism.

Disagreement about the effect of the new definition will almost certainly increase scrutiny of the finer points of the psychiatric association’s changes to the manual. The revisions are about 90 percent complete and will be final by December, according to Dr. David J. Kupfer, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh and chairman of the task force making the revisions.

At least a million children and adults have a diagnosis of autism or a related disorder, like Asperger syndrome or “pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified,” also known as P.D.D.-N.O.S. People with Asperger’s or P.D.D.-N.O.S. endure some of the same social struggles as those with autism but do not meet the definition for the full-blown version. The proposed change would consolidate all three diagnoses under one category, autism spectrum disorder, eliminating Asperger syndrome and P.D.D.-N.O.S. from the manual. Under the current criteria, a person can qualify for the diagnosis by exhibiting 6 or more of 12 behaviors; under the proposed definition, the person would have to exhibit 3 deficits in social interaction and communication and at least 2 repetitive behaviors, a much narrower menu.

Dr. Kupfer said the changes were an attempt to clarify these variations and put them under one name. Some advocates have been concerned about the proposed changes.

“Our fear is that we are going to take a big step backward,” said Lori Shery, president of the Asperger Syndrome Education Network. “If clinicians say, ‘These kids don’t fit the criteria for an autism spectrum diagnosis,’ they are not going to get the supports and services they need, and they’re going to experience failure.”

Mark Roithmayr, president of the advocacy organization Autism Speaks, said that the proposed diagnosis should bring needed clarity but that the effect it would have on services was not yet clear. “We need to carefully monitor the impact of these diagnostic changes on access to services and ensure that no one is being denied the services they need,” Mr. Roithmayr said by e-mail. “Some treatments and services are driven solely by a person’s diagnosis, while other services may depend on other criteria such as age, I.Q. level or medical history.”

In the new analysis, Dr. Volkmar, along with Brian Reichow and James McPartland, both at Yale, used data from a large 1993 study that served as the basis for the current criteria. They focused on 372 children and adults who were among the highest functioning and found that overall, only 45 percent of them would qualify for the proposed autism spectrum diagnosis now under review.

The focus on a high-functioning group may have slightly exaggerated that percentage, the authors acknowledge. The likelihood of being left out under the new definition depended on the original diagnosis: about a quarter of those identified with classic autism in 1993 would not be so identified under the proposed criteria; about three-quarters of those with Asperger syndrome would not qualify; and 85 percent of those with P.D.D.-N.O.S. would not.

Dr. Volkmar presented the preliminary findings on Thursday. The researchers will publish a broader analysis, based on a larger and more representative sample of 1,000 cases, later this year. Dr. Volkmar said that although the proposed diagnosis would be for disorders on a spectrum and implies a broader net, it focuses tightly on “classically autistic” children on the more severe end of the scale. “The major impact here is on the more cognitively able,” he said.

Dr. Lord said that the study numbers are probably exaggerated because the research team relied on old data, collected by doctors who were not aware of what kinds of behaviors the proposed definition requires. “It’s not that the behaviors didn’t exist, but that they weren’t even asking about them — they wouldn’t show up at all in the data,” Dr. Lord said.

Dr. Volkmar acknowledged as much but said that problems transferring the data could not account for the large differences in rates.

He Has Overcome The World: Streams In The Desert, January 22nd, 2012

John Bunyan in prison.

“None of these things move me”    Acts20:24

We read in the book of Samuel that the moment that David was crowned at Hebron, “All the Philistines came up to seek David.” And the moment we get anything from the Lord worth contending for, then the devil comes to seek us.

When the enemy meets us at the threshold of any great work for God, let us accept it as “a token of salvation,” and claim double blessing, victory, and power. Power is developed by resistance. The cannon carries twice as far because the exploding power has to find its way through resistance. The way electricity is produced in the powerhouse yonder is by the sharp friction of the revolving wheels. And so we shall find some day that even Satan has been one of God’s agencies of blessing. –Days of Heaven upon Earth

A hero is not fed on sweets,
Daily his own heart he eats;
Chambers of the great are jails,
And head winds right for royal sails.
–Emerson

Tribulation is the way to triumph. The valley-way opens into the highway. Tribulation’s imprint is on all great things. Crowns are cast in crucibles. Chains of character that wind about the feet of God are forged in earthly flames. No man is greatest victor till he has trodden the winepress of woe. With seams of anguish deep in His brow, the “Man of Sorrows” said, “In the world ye shall have tribulation”–but after this sob comes the psalm of promise, “Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” The footprints are traceable everywhere. Bloodmarks stain the steps that lead to thrones. Sears are the price of scepters. Our crowns will be wrested from the giants we conquer. Grief has always been the lot of greatness. It is an open secret.

“The mark of rank in nature.
Is capacity for pain;
And the anguish of the singer
Makes the sweetest of the strain.”

Tribulation has always marked the trail of the true reformer. It is the story of Paul, Luther, Savonarola, Knox, Wesley, and all the rest of the mighty army. They came through great tribulation to their place of power.

Every great book has been written with the author’s blood. “These are they that have come out of great tribulation.” Who was the peerless poet of the Greeks? Homer. But that illustrious singer was blind. Who wrote the fadeless dream of “Pilgrim’s Progress”? A prince in royal purple upon a couch of ease? Nay! The trailing splendor of that vision gilded the dingy walls of old Bedford jail while John Bunyan, a princely prisoner, a glorious genius, made a faithful transcript of the scene.

Great is the facile conqueror;
Yet haply, he, who, wounded sore,
Breathless, all covered o’er with blood and sweat,
Sinks fainting, but fighting evermore
Is greater yet.
–Selected

Prayer: January 22nd, 2012

O Holy God,
open unto me
light for my darkness,
courage for my fear,
hope for my despair.
O loving God,
open unto me
wisdom for my confusion,
forgiveness for my sins,
love for my hate.
O God of peace,
open unto me
peace for my turmoil,
joy for my sorrow,
strength for my weakness.
O generous God,
open my heart
to receive all your gifts.

~Howard Thurman

Rachel-  Pray for her as she battles bipolar disorder.

Allan/Erunner-  Pray for me as I struggle with my anxiety.

Praise & Worship: January 21st, 2012

Song List

1.  There Is A Day-  Phatfish

2.  God Of Wonders-  Caedmons Call & Third Day

3.  Beautiful Things-  Gungor

4.  You Are My Hiding Place-  Maranatha Singers

5.  Help Me-  Johnny Cash   Disregard cheesy video!

6.  Unfailing Love-  Hillsong

7.  I Will Rise-  Chris Tomlin

8.  It Is You-  Newsboys

9.  Blessings-  Laura Story

10.  Finally Home-  Mercy Me

11.  By Your Side-  Tenth Avenue North

C Michael Patton: My Depression Nearly Two Years Later

 

This is the last of three articles that chronicle C Michael Patton’s thoughts on the depression he has experienced.  It’s refreshing to read the words he shares as he doesn’t offer a magical cure, just some stark truths that you will relate to.  Allan

Taken from Parchment & Pen which is located   HERE.

It is hard to believe it has been so long.

Two years ago my mind broke. I wrote about it while in the darkness. I can’t believe it has been two years. No, no. This is not a “recovery letter.” This is not a testimony of victory. You know, a testimony: where I was before, what happened that changed me, and how great things are now. I don’t have too many of those. This is simply a journal of my depression, two years after it began.

It is important to note that the darkness is no longer there. It lasted for a time, but the clouds broke and the black hole of sadness has lost much of its gravitational pull. Or maybe I have just learned how to cope. I don’t really know. I had a lot more answers three years ago than I do today. I am stable, yet somehow not so stable. Before I went through this depression, I prided myself on how emotionally stable I was. Well, maybe “prided” is not really the right word. I am not trying to be too self-debasing, so let me say this: I was thankful about how nothing could break me emotionally. A hard marriage, the loss of my sister, and the paralysis of my mom were no match for me. But suddenly, without warning, it broke. My mind broke. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it was the pain meds I was taking for my back. Maybe it was just that so much had built up in my life. Maybe it was missing some bill payments for the first time in my life. Whatever the case, something broke. For six long weeks I entered into a vortex of darkness and “other-worldliness” that, in my own thoughts, rivaled whatever hell must be like. For six long weeks I felt what my sister felt that eventually took her life. For six long weeks I had no wisdom, knowledge, or hope that could lend a helping hand. For six long weeks I finally learned what it meant to be depressed.

Two years later I walk with a limp. I respect depression. I fear what the mind can actually do to a person. What an incredible thing to know, that things can fall apart so dramatically without my action or consent playing a conscious role. “Bring it” is not something I say to depression. Two years later I am like a glass that has been broken and glued back together. I have hope again. I can smell again. I can notice things again. I see colors and people walking around like trees. But I don’t think my sight has fully returned and I don’t know if it ever will. I can walk again, but the angel touched my hip and I can’t walk so well.

Two years later, there are still times when driving down the road, playing a video game with my kids, or drinking a Coke out of a bottle, I notice that recovery is ongoing. “Oh, yeah,” I say to myself. “That is what it is like to notice good things.” During these times I want to call out to God and say, “Time out!” Whatever made me notice again what I had previously taken for granted needs to find its way to the shelves of the store.

Two years later I know there are places I cannot go in my mind. Two years later I look through the peep-hole in the door of my emotions before I let anything in. Two years later I long for a glory that knows no tears in a way I had not longed before. Two years later I am stable but scared. Scared that it might happen again. Two years later, my heart does not know how to respond to others who are groping for hope in a dark mind. I want to grab their depression by the neck and kill it, burn it, smash it, and choke it. I hate it.

Many end these type of messages with the “But I am glad I went through this” type stuff. My sister says she is glad I went through it. Okay, fine. Gotcha. Neat. But I don’t know if I am. I think I would rather not live with the haunting memory of that time. At least not now. To know that this actually exists in this world . . . Really? That? Torture, hunger, blindness, poverty, even holocaust are things I gawked at before. But depression is from a planet I could not imagine existed. A dark planet. A cold and lonely planet that no telescope can see, no pictures can describe, for which no analogy can be found. It only exists in theory before you have been there. But I think I would have rather seen it through the telescope. When I returned from that world, a part of me was left behind. I think I would rather not have had that passport stamped.

But I serve a God who is sovereign and does not have the word “meaningless” in any dictionary he has signed. In this, I suppose, you can pull my teeth until I say, “Okay, it was good for me to go there. Better to go to the house of mourning than the house of feasting. Okay. Yeah, okay.” In glory, you will not have to pull my teeth to say this. But for now, you still do.

C Michael Patton: An Update On My Broken Mind

Light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

This is part two of a three part series.  It traces Michael’s depression from it’s worst depths to a final installment where he looks back two years after the fact.  Allan

Taken from Parchment & Pen which is located  HERE.

May 2nd, 2010

My life is now divided into two categories: AD (After Depression) and BC (Before the Crash).

Don’t get me wrong, I am not recovered. So “AD” does not mean that it is in the rear view mirror. The best way I can put it is that I am not the way I used to be. Many things are different. I cannot think of one event in my life that has had such a dramatic impact as this depression that I have been going through over the last (…how long has it been?) six or eight weeks.

I wrote about it a couple of weeks ago in a post titled “Broken.” Since then I have been “in and out” of the hole. I don’t really know how else to put it. I have come to use these terms to describe it: a hole, black hole, spiral, vortex, matrix, ”the darkness”, and black cloud. Some days I am sane and some days I cannot hardly move. Some days I am paralized with fear due to the mere memory of the previous day’s terror and some days I am at no loss for thoughts on how this is making me a better person and how I am going to change the world because of it. Don’t think bi-polar, as my good days are not THAT good. Today has been good. But as the inaguration of AD slowly distances itself from today, even the dark days are more tolerable than they were before.

One thing is for certain, I don’t have half as much figured out as I did in the past. My world is a bit more confused than it used to be. I think this is good and bad. It is bad because it hurts so much. It is good because I hurt so much more for others. I am sure I will have more to say about this soon (on one of the good days).

Seeking counsel is a funny thing. I know what I would have said to someone who came to me with this type of depression before. Now it is all different. I can now divide the world into two types of people: those who have been through this type of depression and those who have not. And you know what? I can now tell within 38 seconds of talking to someone whether they have really been here. Before, I would have empathized. I had been down before. I had been down for days before. Sadness, hurt feelings, insecurity, being overwhelmed, stressed, and even a bit of despair. I knew what they felt like. The depression that I have had for the last three years sitting with my mother was serious enough . . . so I thought. It is different now. This is different.

On Monday afternoon (don’t remember the date) at 12pm after reading a scathing email from one of those who was mad that a Christian like me was asking for money and not trusting in the Lord the way he believed I should, I broke. Now, now . . . it was not really that email that did it. I get those all the time. Have for years. It was simply one of many catalysts that facilitated the crash. This crash was like nothing I had ever experienced. My unfamiliarity with this type of thing multiplied the terror that ensued. Suddenly, at 12:01 I was a different person. I felt like a part of my mind tripped a breaker. It was the part of my mind which kept me in reality. It was the part of my mind which stabilized my emotions. It was the part of my mind that allowed me to deal with sadness, hurt, pain, and grief in a semi-productive manner. The rational side of my mind simply did not work.

It is different now. This has been unlike anything I have ever imagined. It has been more painful than anything I have yet experienced. And if there is something worse, Maranatha, come Lord Jesus. I was watching 24 the other day (on a good day when I can actually enjoy something) and thinking about the torturing of suspects that they always center on. You know, to torture or not to torture for information and confessions. Well, morality and politics aside, I had an epiphany. Don’t shoot them in the knee cap. Don’t tear their finger nails off one at a time. Don’t make them listen to loud annoying music all day. No more wash-boarding. Just inject them with something that makes them severely depressed. Send them into the black hole that I have been in. If you could do that, they will confess and tell all within 3 minutes and 44 seconds. I promise. They would be happy to go to prison for their secret crimes as long as they don’t have to be depressed. It is different now.

Crying. I have rarely cried in my life. It is not something that I am necessarily proud of. It is just the way I am. I figured it showed some emotional strength, but I also knew it was not really a choice. I just did not cry. Now, when I am “there” in the hole I can cry over anything; I do cry over anything. I look at my kids and think that they are just going to grow old and die. What’s it worth? And I cry. I think about writing or teaching and I say to myself, “You don’t have a clue what you are talking about anyway. Why bother?” And I cry. I think about things I enjoyed before and find it utterly depressing to even think about, much less do. And I cry. I even cried about the canceling of 24! (Although, that is legitimate!) I have a constant ringing in my ears that started that Monday. Sleep cannot be a better friend, but I can rarely find it. It was kidnapped from my life the day this began.

And you know what? When I am “there,” there is no way to talk me out of it. There is no way to think yourself out of it. Now I get it. I wish I did not, but I do.

“Snap out of it.” That is what I would say in a frustrated moment to Angie (my sister who killed herself after a 1.5 year battle with depression). I am sorry Angie. I now know you could not “snap” out of it.

Angie’s “fall” was not so much different than mine. In fact, so much of it was just the same. Thursday night she went to bed fine. She was not the emotional type. At least in this way. She was strong and stable. I remember at her wedding seven years before saying a toast where I mentioned that her and I were alike . . . not effected by many things emotionally (I did not know how well that went over with her—that’s why I remember it). She just did not get depressed. At least not significantly. Very strong and very stable. However, that Friday morning she woke up and said that her mind broke and she had gone crazy. I had no idea how to take it, but I knew something had changed in a big way. She was flipping out, trying her best to explain it to all of us. She was continually trying to convince us that she had suddenly gone insane and that it was never going to get better. Monday afternoon, after finding no comfort, she attempted to kill herself the first time.

They say that there is a much higher chance for suicide for those who have had a family member suffer such. I now know why. Not that I have gone there. I have not. But I do know how someone in this state could leave everything behind, even their children, to relieve their pain. I get it now. I did not get it. Now I do.

AD is much different than BC. This much is true.  However, this is going to sound really odd (and, mind you, I am writing this on a “good day”), but I don’t really want to go back to BC. I would not wish this upon anyone and I do not necessarily count such an experience as a badge of wisdom, courage, or otherwise. But there is something about this that I need. I say this because I know that God is in control and I sincerely believe that he wants me right here. This is why I have yet to take any anti-depressants, even though they have been suggested to me many times. Please don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the drugs that can heal the problems of the mind that are outside of people’s control. This qualifies. However, I simply feel like I need to be here. God is sovereign over my depression and my depression is not a sin. I am not saying that if this continues and does not let up that I will not go that direction. I am simply saying that for me, right now, I need the AD. While I don’t understand as much as I used to, this I hold on to with all my strength: God’s sovereignty in this is the only hope that I have. I am certainly not saying “Bring it on Lord!” Please God don’t hear me saying that! I am simply of the opinion (today) that God is working something in me that could not have ever happened outside of this. I am different now. I think it is for the better.

I live in fear of the next day’s weather, but I live in the hope that the forecast is in God’s hands. I will never be back to “normal” as normal finds itself bashful of the work of God in me.

I will give you more updates later. Thank you all so much for your prayers.